For the past month and a half, farming and I have hit a rough patch. For the longest time I was very certain that all I ever wanted to do was farm, but something changed around mid-June and I was really starting to question whether or not what I was doing was what I really wanted in life. I think that my disheartenment could be attributed to various random things that have been happening in my life. I’ve been blaming a lot on my recent move into a post-graduate lifestyle, and while I don’t necessarily think it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health, it is definitely a real thing and it’s not an easy transition to make. I also am not convinced that the farm that I’m working on is a perfect fit for me. I love the people and I’m learning a lot, but since the crew is so large and I’m still relatively new, I don’t have much responsibility and I’ve come to realize that I really need that in order to feel good about myself and altogether thrive. Plus, working with such a large crew invokes some sort of social anxiety that I’m sure will go away with time, but that time has not come yet. There are probably a plethora of other smaller reasons why I was toying around with the idea of a career change (quarter life crisis, anyone?) but anyway, I was pretty upset and nervous about the possibility that the path that I had been set on could need some tweaking. The mindset of needing to make immediate foolproof maps, charts, lists, plans, graphs etc. of the rest of my life is something that i definitely need to move away from, but I’m not a huge fan of the unknown so I guess for now I’ll keep stressing.
After all of this back and forth with myself, I woke up in the middle of the night two days ago and had a tiny epiphany. Being half asleep, there weren’t many coherent thoughts, but the takeaway was what is most important. I realized that I had gone from a pretty optimistic person to being a full-blown pessimist. Being cynical once in a while is always fun, but it’s usually in conjunction with some sarcasm and never really got to who I was as a person. Somehow that changed without me noticing. My 3 a.m. self was not about this, so she decided then and there that I needed to be happier with my life and with myself. I guess if you want to make a drastic change like that, you almost have to do it subconsciously, because I don’t know if I would have felt such a difference if I had actually made an effort to do something about this.
Now I know some pretty pessimistic farmers, so I can’t say that always assuming the worst and farming can never go hand in hand, but I don’t think that it’ll work for me. My mind makeover is still too new to know if it will actually work and/or last, but as of today I feel pretty good calling myself a farmer. It’s probably not realistic for me to assume that from here on out I’m going to be this chipper about my job; I have a feeling this relationship is going to have it’s ups and downs. But what worthwhile relationship doesn’t? I’m ready to ride this rollercoaster, hoe in hand, and if at any point I want to get off, I’ll remind myself that that’s okay, too.