10/26/21 Tuesday

Of course as soon as I stop feeling like a total basket-case a wrench has to get thrown into my progress. I had to go pick up mail from my doctor at the apartment which C left in the hallway, which was fine. He must’ve been inside when I was there, though, because as soon as I left he messaged me saying that he misses me. It did catch me off guard because I had figured that if something like that was going to happen it would’ve happened sooner after the breakup. I didn’t really think it would happen this far out. I obviously panicked and called K and my mom, neither of whom had any real advice. I just responded honestly and said that I missed him, too, but still felt like this was the right decision. He responded with “you’re right” which I think is weird but I guess I should just take it and be happy that it wasn’t something longer and more dramatic. 

I am pleasantly surprised that this interaction didn’t completely knock me off of my feet. It was surprising and I feel sad knowing that he is still hurting, but it doesn’t sting as much as something like this would have a few weeks ago. Now that I think about it, I guess it has been just over a month since we have been officially broken up. It feels like it has been wayyy longer, but I think that’s only because I was so checked out while we were still dating. I know that I will still have my bad days and my doubts, but for the first time this whole thing is starting to feel like the right decision and I just need to keep believing that, regardless of whether or not it is true. 

10/25/21 Monday

This past weekend wasn’t too bad. I finally finished everything that I needed to do with my garlic so now all of the rain, snow, and cold can hit us and I won’t care. However, the garlic at work still needs to be planted and it’s supposed to rain all week which is a bummer. Other than that, I ate some good food, pet some good dogs, and was in an overall pleasant mood. I tried to snag a gem hatchet necklace from the jewelry maker I’m obsessed with on instagram but my etsy app must’ve been glitching and it seemed like everything sold out in like 3 minutes. Hopefully she has some more cool stuff available soon because I still really want to buy myself something. 

I heard back from the job where I had the awkward virtual conversation with myself and they went with someone else. I’m okay with that since it was a sales position and I don’t think I would’ve liked it anyway. I’m still holding out hope for the state job and the one in Mystic. 

10/21/21

I need to stop complaining about the same things over and over again because I feel like this is getting boring. Yes, things suck now and who knows when they will improve, but I need to trust in my own ability to persevere and come out on top. Like I mentioned before, my life was getting boring anyway, so a few new challenges and changes should make things a little more interesting.

I have another job interview next week for the food inspector position. I’m pretty interested in that one even though I’m now realizing that I don’t really know too much about what that position entails. I’m pretty happy with my record at this point, though. Every job that I’ve applied to has shown some level of interest in me. I just need to figure out how and where I will be able to do the interview since it’s virtual and will be taking place during harvest time. I do need to look for more jobs, though, and I’m starting to doubt that my alerts that I have set up on all of the job search engines aren’t actually working. 

I hope this weekend isn’t too boring. I will be taking an extra dance class tomorrow night which will be perfect because it will give me something to do so I don’t have to drive home during rush hour. I will miss dancing here when I move home, but maybe I can start taking classes somewhere down there again.

10/19/21 Tuesday

C accidentally video called me today. I didn’t answer but I texted him after to make sure that it wasn’t an emergency and it wasn’t. Now I’m reconsidering everything again. We were a good enough fit and he did truly love me and I don’t want to lose that or go the rest of my life without it. I just want to skip ahead to when everything in my life is easy and comfortable and good.

10/18/21 Monday

Everything is still so up and down emotionally. I think the novelty and excitement (?) of all the change is wearing off and I just want to go back to the way things were. This weekend I almost broke down at the thought of living with my parents. I hate that I will be paying rent on the old apartment until June because that is going to really set me back when it comes to finding a new place to live.

I withdrew my application from Clean Harbors which means I won’t be having an interview on Wednesday. I read some reviews online which weren’t great and I think that most of the time I would be driving all over New England which is exactly what I don’t want to be doing. I still hope that the Enko job works out, although I think it would be kind of fun to be unemployed for a little while.

For the past 2 days I’ve been obsessing over jewelry designers on Instagram. For once, the algorithm worked and it showed me a designer that makes really cute, unique pieces like fruits and vegetables. They release their collections and sell out almost immediately from what I can tell so I really hope that when they come out with something I like I am actually able to buy it. There is going to be a Halloween collection with a cute little gem hatchet that I kind of like so maybe I will buy one if I can. I am definitely in a buying mood even though I should be saving money. 

Oh, also, over the weekend I planted a bunch of garlic; more than I planned to. I got like 7 rows, so more than 500 heads. It felt good doing that and it gives me something to look forward to in the future. Hopefully it does well and I can sell it and prove to myself that my farm ideas will work. I need to finish mulching next weekend. 

10/15/21 Friday

Things seem to be going better now. I am less emotional and feel more like myself. N will be out all of next week, however, which is kind of frustrating. I know that she is still recovering from covid but after six weeks it just feels like she’s dragging her feet and just doesn’t want to be here. I don’t really want to be here either, and it makes taking time off impossible. I have an in person job interview Wednesday but I’m not sure if I’m going to go since it’s with a company that I’m not interested in anyway and I have a lot of stuff that I should be doing on the farm. 

I’m so happy that it was a short week and that it’s already Friday. I wish I had something fun planned for the weekend, but I don’t. I’m hopefully going to plant my garlic if it doesn’t rain too much and I might be playing corn hole with E’s family if she isn’t sick? I’m going to try to go for a run after work today because I really want to get back into that. 

I am already upset with myself because I deleted my Tinder. It’s so interesting how hormones and menstrual cycles really play into everything about my life as I am about to be fertile and I desperately want to go on a date. I also watched Bram Stoker’s Dracula last night and God, there is nothing sexier than that movie, let me tell you. But anyway, I want to make a dating profile again and I want to flirt and go on dates, but it just seems impossible for so many reasons. I want to be putting my best foot forward and I feel like I won’t be doing that until I get settled into a job and am living on my own. The thought of dating while living with my parents and answering every question they hurl at me makes me want to die. 

10/8/21 Friday

I was scrolling through my old tumblr likes to see if I saved anything motivational or relevant, and I realized that no one ever comes up with any wise phrases or quotes for the person who did the breaking up. People only write things for the person on the other end, which, I kind of get, but also there’s a missed market for sad, lost breaker-uppers. Maybe I need to capitalize on this.

I am going to visit K in VT tonight and will be there until Sunday night, and then I am going to drive home and stay there until Wednesday morning. It’ll be nice to have a long weekend but I feel kind of guilty and like I shouldn’t be taking time off for some reason. I guess I feel like I just need to plow through the rest of this month and the next so that I can just be done here, but that’s not how time or farming works. It’s also weird to be doing any kind of traveling alone after never really going anywhere by myself for the past 4 years. Maybe that is unhealthy and I should not repeat that pattern in any future relationships. 

I need to figure out what to eat for dinner. I’m so tired of not eating real meals and only eating snack stuff. I’ve probably eaten more carrots, hummus, and bread in the past 3 weeks than I ever had in my entire life. I might go there again tonight for a sandwich, but again I really want something more than that. Maybe I’ll get a pizza or something. 

10/7/21 Thursday

I think I finally see the slightest bit of blood now, so I guess I’m not pregnant with Jesus 2.0. I still feel gross and weird and fat but hopefully I can go back to normal soon. 

I was harvesting sweet potatoes with a class this afternoon with an undercutter bar that we borrowed from another farm. 10 feet into the row the bar broke off of the rest of the implement, which I was told it was supposed to do if you hit something, but I think it also bent a little bit. After talking to Dad I’m pretty sure that the bolts that were on it weren’t shear bolts but at least they snapped off. This is definitely a bit point of stress at the moment, only because it was something that we borrowed. If N wasn’t upset about me leaving she will be about this.

10/6/21 Wednesday

Last night was tough. The full force of reality really began to set in and I realized that I am desperately going to miss my old life. Even though my old life hasn’t been stellar for quite some time, I will miss working with familiar faces and familiar routines in a place that I know and I will miss being in a happy relationship and feeling like a somewhat functional adult. Everything about this really sucks. It’s scary knowing that I am leaving things that are good for things that could be better or worse. Regardless, they will be different which in and of itself is not something that I am comfortable with. And I do miss C. I want nothing more than to go back and cuddle with him in our familiar, warm, happy couch and have everything go back to normal, but I know that I’m selectively remembering the good and that the second I go back to ‘normal’ I will be trying to find my way back out. I just need to stay out. 

Anyway, I also gave N my 2 months notice today, and thankfully it went wayyyyy better than anticipated. She was much more understanding than I thought she would be, even though she told me to think some more on it. I will miss the farm so much, considering it has been my second home now for almost 8 years. I feel somewhat better knowing that there are jobs that are interested in me. I got another phone interview request for a greenhouse manager position for an ag company in Mystic so that seems exciting. The position seems a little bit out of my league and they might not want to wait for me to finish here, but we will see.

10/5/21 Tuesday

The weather is still dreary but I am less miserable and I think that my period is close (thank God). I am sitting in the CSA shareroom and I think I have applied to 3 jobs at this point? I am expanding my search into chemistry jobs which I may or may not like. They do pay a lot which is great. I have one ‘digital interview’ that I need to do after work for Nutrien. It’s a sales position which I already don’t think I want but I’ll do it for the experience. Sending in all of these applications feels good and gives me more courage to quit this job, which hopefully I can do tomorrow. 

I had to reach out to C about our xfinity account, so we will see how that goes; it was such a formal message which hurt me to write. It’s like he’s just a colleague now; I still can’t get over how in an instant he went from being one of the most important people in my life to someone who I have to do mundane business transactions with. It feels like an emotional switch flipped and now all of the good things about him are flooding in and replacing the bad. I sort of knew this would happen, I just hope that the feelings don’t get any stronger.